If you’re knee-deep in the knobstacle course and all the f*ckboys that live in it,
This one is for you.
From the “no babe, I swear the only time I could see you was 1am”
to “our energies just don’t match”,
You’ve probably heard it all and have a group chat full of receipts.
Yet, despite the sore heart they provoke,
We low key love it every time a f*ckboy gets in touch.
So in the spirit of having a bit of fun and
“if you don’t laugh, you’ll cry”,
here are the five types of f*ckboys you might have encountered in the dating world.
Your first date with the spiritual f*ckboy is amazing.
So much so that you’re pretty sure you’ve found your twin flame.
He tells you he isn’t like other guys...
And feels you two have a karmic connection which of course you believe because he is wearing four crystal necklaces.
How could he be wrong?
After talking about feelings for hours
And cleansing each other’s chakras,
He feels connected enough to you to commence the p-n-v moment,
But tells you not to worry about grabbing a rubber because he drinks this special green juice every morning, and it protects him from STD’s.
Once you’ve had the weirdest sex of your life,
He admits he is a feminist and explains where he thinks women are going wrong - you will have no say in this.
Eventually, he will ghost you because Mercury is in Gatorade, and it’s really draining for him to be with someone who doesn’t understand his vibe.
If you’re going through a “casual sex” stage,
This lad is the one for you.
Your first date - or hook up, is when he’s his most charming.
He makes you laugh and even goes down on you,
Which is almost unheard of in the hookup world.
He explains he wants to take things *super* slow because he just came out of a long term relationship -
And because you’re still trying to be the hot, chill chick, you agree.
But things get very confusing very fast.
He texts all the time
And says things to give you fanny flutters.
He introduces you to his friends,
But when you bring up the “what are we” chat,
He ends things.
As a result, you try to win him back with your “wifey” skills,
But your efforts are useless.
He wants all the relationship stuff without the label.
At first glance, he seems like a sexy Baywatch lifeguard who has his shit together,
But he’ll soon prove he’s an alpha male, who has based his whole personality on the gym
And has a deep desire to be admired by everyone.
He tells you he can’t go out for dinner for your first date because restaurant meals don’t have enough protein
And then tells you what exercises you should be doing at the gym to get tight abs like him.
At this point, you notice he has veneers,
When you ask where he got them done, he gaslights you and says they are his natural teeth.
He drives a sports car or a big truck and has a knock-off Rolex but his Gucci sneakers?
No, they’re real, babe.
He’s the type of guy who slags you off if you don’t “give him” sex after he buys you a drink and will dump you the minute someone hotter comes along.
You can spot him from a mile away in his brand new Range Rover and $1000 suit brought by mummy and daddy.
He spent school holidays travelling Europe or skiing in Canada,
But despite his extremely privileged upbringing,
He insists his success is all down to his hard work.
He will make it clear he is looking for a wife to give birth to and raise his legacy,
All while running around after him like his own personal maid.
He sits in the corporate box at every major rugby game and (literally) looks down on the working middle class.
He becomes very upset if he suspects people are only friends with him because of his fat bank account.
Still, he will try to make you stay with him by offering you a weekly allowance.
He might be the most excellent flirt you’ve ever met
And is a relatively harmless f*ckboy
As long as you see him for what he really is,
A lad trying to have fun.
He’s the perfect summer fling, or cuffing season companion
And is precisely who you turn to when you have just been ghosted or broken up with.
Your ego will inflate to twice its normal size once he’s done with you
Because even though he isn’t your forever boo thang,
He’s the one you’ll fondly remember.
His main form of communication is Snapchat,
And he always,
Likes your Instagram posts to remind you he still thinks you’re a hottie.
He circles back every 6 months or so just to check-in and have a bit of flirty banter
Before disappearing to save the ego of another sad chick.
- By Lillie Rohan