When scouting for your future boo, there are a few things you look out for.
Their haircut, how nice their hands are - more important than you think, and of course what kind of clothes they’re wearing.
While there are plenty of different menswear stores, some have a very specific aesthetic and I’m determined to go through them all.
PSA: This is an absolute piss take, not to be used as a bible.
Cotton On
These lads are pretty chill when it comes to fashion mostly because they spend at least 40 hours a week surfing.
Budget birkies? No worries, why would you spend $100 on a real pair when Cotton On has them for $30? They always donate to the 5 charities the salesperson bombards them with at the counter - because they like to think they’re good people.
They likely go on a yearly holiday in Bali where they help clean up the ocean while completely ignoring the fact they are wearing fast fashion.
Swanndri
Like the Hunting and Fishing lads these guys are in it for practicality not looks.
He’s got the bush shirt in every single colour and whether it’s summer or winter, he loves to wear it with his jandals. His favourite beer is Speights - because he’s a southern man, and when you go out for a nice dinner he wears his Swanny navy wool sweater.
He doesn’t talk about feelings very often but you know something is bothering him when he starts ferociously chopping firewood. He’s got two Utes, a flash one and a “shitter” and is most def an active relaxer.
R. M Williams
They might drop $600 on a pair of boots but don’t expect them to be whisking you away to Queenstown for a romantic weekend.
They love a piss cruise with their mates in someone's vintage car and most likely have their HT licence. What they lack in looks they make up for in absolutely feral - yet entertaining personality and have most likely spent some time in Balclutha.
Their idea of a raging weekend is a pub crawl through the most remote pubs in NZ and think it’s hilarious to film each other pissing on the side of the road.
Tommy Hilfiger
They give off eshay vibes but in a slightly upper class eshay way. No doubt puffing on a vape every 5 seconds, they will wear their navy Hilfiger jacket to the club, to bed, to family lunch the next day and probably on your date to the movies as well.
Their mum brought them the TH undies in a set of 3 and he alternates them with his Calvin Klein ones because only the best fabric touches his butt.
A surprisingly good lover but def a root and boot.
Tarocash
They’re either old and just there for the decent quality casual shirts or they are 25, ended up in a manager's role - thanks dad - and think they are god's gift.
They look down on anyone who doesn’t have a boujee holiday house and claim they spend their weekends networking with high profile people like John Key - he actually only met John once at the Queenstown golf course.
He will mansplain crypto to you and believes a woman’s place is as a stay at home mum or as a receptionist.
Cos
These lads are the alty boys you love to hate. Not sure whether they are into guys or girls they likely have at least one chic earring - if not a nose piercing and have a man bag.
They dabble with cord pants from time to time, you’ve never seen their bare legs, even during the hottest day in summer and they always wear low cut Doc Martens.
Probably know more about fashion than you ever will and listen exclusively to Lana Del Ray. They also had Tumblr back in the day.
- By Lillie Rohan