In a column that absolutely no one asked for, I’m rating Cosmo sex tips and tricks.
Why? Well queens, not only am I feeling a bit silly goofy today but I recently stumbled across an article detailing some very spicy BJ tips and I’ve got nothing but thoughts.
So, here goes nothing.
1. Compliment their genitals
I don’t know about you but personally, the less time a guy spends looking at my lady cave, the better. It’s not that I don’t like her, I do.
It’s just that I firmly believe she was made to be admired in other ways and a compliment isn’t going to make her wetter.
Also, when it comes to complimenting my partner’s schlong, I’m scared “wow nice eggplant, bro” isn’t going to be the best aphrodisiac. 2/10
2. Keep eye contact
This absolute gem of a tip had me dam near LOL-ing irl.
Okay so here’s the journey, you get spicy with your boo thang, make eye contact with them, and KEEP IT the entire time you are getting freaky.
Intimate? Yes. Confronting? Also yes. This will not be part of my 2023 bingo card. 3/10
3. Tantalising turn-around
Cosmo says for this move you jump on their eggplant, whip your feet under their thighs and hold their ankles.
It gives them a f**king stunning view and since we all know reverse cowgirl is going to trigger your apple watch into thinking you’re exercising, the pretzel technique means the burn doesn’t hit until like 5 minutes in, so you’re also getting a decent workout.
Hot girl summer anyone? 8/10
4. Run errands with kegel balls in
I see the vision and I respect the vision. You’ve got a saucy secret all day.
It’s naughty, it’s spicy, it’s the exact thing you’re going to tell your partner while sexting them. Big slay momma.
What I don’t understand is the execution, because am I going to go to the loo and autopilot evacuate those bad boys thinking it’s my *girl time* accessory? Potentially. 4/10
5. Do it in front of a mirror
Something about this move makes me think of August Leo’s. Can’t explain it, don’t have time to get into it.
So, find a mirror, find your lover and start getting down and dirty with the comfort of your own reflection.
Mmm, tastes like narcissism and self love but for some reason I’m into it more than Leonardo DiCaprio’s into under 25 year olds. 9/10
6. Jeans Jiggy
This is not the sisterhood of the travelling fwb, it’s also not the dance you do while pulling on your skinnies - that btw are back in fashion thanks to Gen-z’s nostalgia. Side parts are still out though.
This move is when you let your partner touch you through your jeans.
It’s honestly the most povo foreplay move because by the time you get your jeans off you’ll be so annoyed by pants, Cosmo’s dumb tips and the fact that your quickie just turned into a high school dry hump, you won’t even want to have a proper shag. 1/10
7. Grab and go
Cosmo’s description is pretty problematic. So basically, it’s a quickie but the grab n go aspect makes it feel like you’re having some thrilling desperate housewives style affair. Power to ya, I guess.
As someone who enjoys the wham bam, thank you mam, technique. It’s a yes to the quickie.
The affair comparison though? Idk, doesn’t feel like my journey. Feels like I would be crying to my bestie for a couple months about it. 7/10
- By Lillie Rohan