I sat in Rodd and Gunn shopping with my stepdad two weeks ago, and while he tried on what felt like a thousand different polos, I came to a startling realisation.
I am into Rodd and Gunn guys.
Before things get vulgar, I don't mean my stepdad and his polos - although my mum was frothing for them. I mean the slick boots, slim cut but thin enough to be skinny jeans and that cosy looking almost cream, almost grey jumper with the subtle dog embroiled on the chest.
And while I wandered around the shop sipping on my bubble tea, I half-wrote this column. It seems every men's store - and women's has an aesthetic, and I've got some hot takes.
Rodd & Gunn
There are two kinds of lads who shop here. The ones I described earlier who are most definitely the fuckboys.
They have an effortlessly cool vibe, every Sunday, they try to hide the brand new hickey on their neck before visiting their parents on the North Shore and are attached to their bubblegum vape.
Also known as the frat boys of NZ - as long as they continue to dress nice, I'll put up with their sloppy kissing.
The other lads who shop here aren't lads at all but rather middle-aged men.
They love a polo or crew neck, are into the chinos and cord pants and need their wife to pay for their $1350 shopping spree because they don't know how to use Apple Pay.
They also probably love the family dog more than anyone else, even though they "didn't want it" in the first place.
Hallenstein Brothers
Walking red flag, honey. Do not proceed. The lads that shop here live by the mantra "Saturdays are for the boys" and will no doubt rock up to a festival in a matching two-piece along with the rest of their mates.
Bound to be a tradie with a full sleeve tattoo, they might offer you a puff of their vape in the smoker's area at the club but don't even try to steal their $60 hoodie.
It's from Hallenstein's organic line, bruh.
Culture Kings
Chances are your Culture Kings boy thinks they are a wannabe gangster, which would be kind of hot, except he is the biggest softie you've ever met.
You had a romantic dinner planned on Friday, but he had to cancel last minute because his tattoo artist mate had a cancellation. Now he can finally get that rose tattoo on his neck he's been telling you about.
The good news, though, this lad is a thinker. He doesn't want to drop a couple thousand on a gold chain, so he just spray-painted a silver one he brought from the shop.
Barkers
I'll be honest with you. This lad is a sweetheart.
He's an angel of a man, he wines and dines you, he buys you gifts, but you can't help but feel like something is missing, and that's the hot sex. Mainly because he falls asleep at 8pm in his favourite chair every night.
If a golden retriever could be a menswear shop, it would be Barkers. Safe, reliable and not even a little bit political.
Hunting and Fishing
It's hide and seek every day with these lads because they are always in their camo gear.
They do the cooking and the cleaning… of their hunting and fishing gear, and sometimes it feels like you're in a long distance relo because they spend the entire winter in the Maimai or shooting deer at Tom's friend's, brother's, cousin's farm.
He owns one shirt, and that's the one he wore when you got married. It's all chill, though. He's an animal in the sack and knows Missy Mini is his best mate.
- By Lillie Rohan